Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
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Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
(Jupiter –
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”