HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
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I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
I have no passwords left in me
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.