just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
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It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
WTF
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
broke down and did it
Netflix: We have Less
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?