You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
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I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
I could NOT have put it better myself.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice