My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
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Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
No laws when master is gone
i hate you platonically
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.