“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
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I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy