I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
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More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
I cannot call her anything else now
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.