Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
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If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
My love language is deader than Latin
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*