Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
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Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.