Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
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What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
RT if you could go either way.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐