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*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.