So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
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[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.