I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
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I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”