Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
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*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.