*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
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She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop