i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
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PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
Risking my life for fun.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.