I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
You Might Also Like
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.