How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
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My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.