Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
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This will never not be funny to me.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]