Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
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Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
Its true…
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
Wake me when AI does housework
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called