getting old is fun
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wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
My loaf of bread looks terrified
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.