When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
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4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
Europe. Made in Germany.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.