*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
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Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
any last words?