Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
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My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
🚲+physics = winner
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this