I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
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my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”