RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
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A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
Ion see the issue
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat