doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
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Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
oh my gosh!!
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.