there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
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You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”