wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
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“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”