I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
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A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary