It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
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Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
Phonetics
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan