I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
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“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
“what that mouth do?” complain
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?