“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
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Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
After 35, your body ages in dog years
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.