Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
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[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
Lmao
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
What kind of a cult is this?
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.