Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
You Might Also Like
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
Haha good job!!
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*