me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
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I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
This can never not be funny 😭😭
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”