My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
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Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
Think I pulled my liver
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.