Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
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[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.