When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
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The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish