me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
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Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.