You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
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He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”