“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
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There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon