no regrets
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This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
work smarter, not harder
My neck my back my allergy attack
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
Sharon, call the vet
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”