FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
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The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.