Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
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The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough