“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
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was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
We all have our pet causes.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
There’s never enough good news
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.