*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
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don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.