Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
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♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.