The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
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Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
❤️❤️❤️
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner