Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
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I wish I could veto my bills.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”